09/14/2012

I am tired. I don't know what is happening to me. Which stage of grieving am I going through now?

I just want to sit by the ocean, sit in the backyard, just relax and do nothing. I want peace, complete peace.

09/12/2012

I feel lost. I feel like a raft drifting in the ocean; there is no direction or purpose.

I don't know why I feel this way ever since we came back from seeing my dad. I have been comparing my life to my dad's. My dad's life is always giving to us, providing us. I have no children and a barely together marriage, I feel that I am selfish. I am not giving anything to anyone but myself.

I don't know what my purpose in life in anymore. Why do I feel this way?

Even baking doesn't interest me as much anymore. To whom does my baking serve but my own interest? What is my goal in life?

09/04/2012

Today marks the first day that he moved into my apt. It feels different to have someone here in my apt, living, sleeping, breathing, and conversing together.

We are not out of the tunnel yet. But we are walking toward the light. We have chosen a path.

My parents kept telling me not to trust him, and not letting him move in with me.

I haven't told my parents about this yet. I have nothing yet to say, nothing yet to prove that this is the right move.

09/01/2012

I just got back from visiting my dad. I went with my husband to see my dad. I wanted to show my dad that we are "ok". I don't want him to worry about me.

It has been a week since I got back. I am in a very dark place this whole week. I see my life as meaningless when compared to my dad's. I don't want to live. There is nothing to live for. I don't have kids, no husband. I have only a failed marriage, a failed love. I have no one who loves me.

I stared out my windows today. I wished to the tree that please take my life someone is going to fully live it, instead of me wasting it.

08/07/2012

My dad is always very strong, steady, healthy and ever present.

I don't remember seeing him cry. I have never sensed his fear, until now.

I can't imagine what he is going through now. Imagine if you have this disease growing inside of you, that you can't stop, that is going to expand and spread inside of you, that you will have less than a year to live, that you are only 65 years old, that you have young grandchildren, that you have a wife, that you have 3 children, that you still have yet to enjoy life.

How does one cope with this? How do you even start? Where do you start? Do you blame God first? Maybe you will ask why me?

My dad doesn't smoke. He works hard. He is a good person. So why him? Why take away his life so early, so prematurely, so painfully, so suddenly? Why does God want to take him away from us?

What does one need in order to cope? Courage? Strength? Love? Hope? Faith?

I love my dad, and it pains me to watch him going through this. It pains me.

He is our rock.

08/03/2012

Lung cancer, this is how my father is going to go.

I have lost a husband, now my father too.

Why does God want to take my father so early, in such a painful way?

He has been a good father in his unique way. I am not sure how my brother is taking it. At least I am able to cry since I am on my own.

Life is not fair.

My father will not be able to see how much his grandchildren will accomplish. He will not be able to listen to the music they play, will not be able to see the art they make.

Life is not fair.

07/25/2012

It feels like I am in a bad dream.

There is only guilt, sadness, and hopelessness.

This is worse than getting a divorce because I feel so powerless. I am completely at the mercy of the hands of nature. I cannot do anything to fix this.

How does one face death? How does one live knowing that you only have 5 years to live? It takes courage.

How do I cope with this?

07/24/2012

I am thinking about my dad a lot these days. He has a shadow in his lung x-ray, and he has been coughing for a long time.

I have been calling my mom and dad very day since I have heard about this news. My mom's voice told me that she has been crying. My dad sounds sad.

I prayed to God that this lung mass is harmless. That they will live their lives happily ever after. They have worked so hard all their lives just to make our lives easier. We had good education and down payments for our houses. They have loved us very much, though they don't show affection very often to us. But they loved us in their own ways.

They have not even started their retirement lives yet. They still have to enjoy their lives, see their grandchildren grown up. They really haven't enjoyed lives just yet.

Please God, listen to my prayer and let this be harmless. They are very good people, and generous. Please let them live out their retirement healthly and joyfully.

I have been feeling guilty also. I have not treated them very warmly during their trip here. I was always moody and sad, and that made them sad. My mom loves my pie, and I didn't even bake anything for them this time. I was not a good daughter. I did't even know he was coughing.

Only if I could, I should.

I have been remembering how my dad always showered me with gifts from each of his business trip. He would always buy me handkerchiefs. I remembered the little red mirror he bought me from Japan, and the blowfish chime. This is how he showed his affection to me.

Dear God, please let this be harmless and let my dad live.

07/17/2012

He called me on the weekends. We talked for quite a long time. He said that maybe we should start dating and get to know each other from fresh. So I agreed to go on a lunch date with him on Sunday.

After that my mind raced. My peace is threatened to be shattered. Why? Because he doesn't show any serious commitment to me.

He just wants to hang out together on the weekend, while still living apart. This is exactly the weekend marriage arrangement that we had before and this is not what I wanted.

So I told him last night that this is not going to work for me. I want a husband from him, not a boyfriend. He needs to show 200% commitment to me before I can consider going back. Because we had a heartbreak history with him. It is risky for me to go back, so I need some insurance.

If I want to hang out with a guy just for fun, I can simply find a man that I have no history with. That is safer for me emotionally.

I have worked so hard to get to my state today. I have not cried, or thought about him every single minute of my life. I feel much freer. For me to give that up and go back, he has to offer way more than this weekend companion arrangement.

I hope that I am doing the right thing.

07/11/2012

Today marks the one year anniversary since I moved into my apt.

Wow, time really flew. Who would have thought that it will come to this state?

How have I survived? It is unbelievable. I survived with the support from my family, my friend, and my therapist. I survived with the invisible helping hand from God.

I think God had walked with me along on this journey. Otherwise, I would have already committed suicide. Many times I wanted to die to end this misery. It was so painful.

With time, the pain has subsided a bit. I am starting to take small steps forward. Left, right, left, right....

I still have those moments when I just break down and cry. But I am still here. Time really does dilute my pain. I pray a lot more these days. I tell God everything. I even pray for him sometimes.

I know this tunnel is dark and long. I also know that there is an end to this tunnel, and I am walking to the end.

07/08/2012

Today I received a small purple flower from a homeless man while exiting out from Trader Joe's near my apartment.

He said to me, "for you, my beautiful angel". I was very moved. I think in this case, he is the beautiful angel sent by God.

You probably don't understand why this is so significant to me because you don't know the context.

Here is the context of my story...

I always hated my boy-like-chest. I feel like a fraud as a woman. When I look into the mirror, I see a boy. I was teased by strangers, classmates, my brother, and my husband.

Yesterday during the therapy session, this issue was brought up along with the option of breast implant. It had never crossed my mind to alter my body. This was never an option to me. It sounds stupid and superficial. Beauty is within.

But my therapist planted a seed in my mind. Consider this as an option if breast implant is going to re-frame my mind in how I view myself. If this will make me feel like a real whole woman, not a fraud anymore.

Then today God sent me this message...

07/04/2012

Today I finally moved all my baking tools from the house to my apartment.

This is another giant step forwards. Whenever I take one step forwards, I look back and feel the pain. Looking only, not stepping back.

I am looking backwards a lot these days. I examined my childhood, my relationship with my parents, and my parents' marriage.

I want to understand why I am the way I am and why I am attracted to certain type of men.

07/01/2012

Today marked the first day I baked something in my apartment.

I baked cinnamon rolls from scratch, one of my favorites. Cinnamon rolls have a special history to me. He likes cinnamon rolls and this is the very first recipe that propels me to learn how to make bread from scratch.

Today's is a success. The rolls came out perfectly. The only difference this time is that the rolls are given to my neighbors, instead of to my family. I really hope that my neighbors will enjoy them as much as my family did.

I love baking. It gives me an escape and a sense of accomplishment. And I got to share what I made with love with other people. Good foods make people happy.

06/06/2012

One more month and this will mark a year since I have moved out to this apartment.
Things have not changed between us. He still doesn't know what love is. He still wants his freedom weekdays. He only wants weekend marriage from me.
As for me, this is not the marriage I want. This is not how I want to live. If I don't do anything, this weekend marriage will continue on for another 10 years.
So, I have filed for divorce. It should finalize in Sept. Then we will divide our assets, and go our separate ways finally.
I still ask myself the question: How did this happen? What have I done wrong? How can you un-love someone so easily?
I have decided not to see him anymore on the weekend because I feel like a drug addict. The weekends are the times when I get my fix. This is really not healthy for my mind and heart. This will only prolong the situation and pain. If he doesn't love me now, he will not love me in the future. This has been going on for 2 years. NOTHING has changed.
I have to rid myself of this habit, of this drug. I need to start living my life, not waiting anymore.
I am not going to have false hopes anymore. I need to love myself the most, and think about myself.
I need to be good to myself. What is happiness? I haven't felt happy for a very long time.
I am still stuck in this tunnel. But at least I know that I am walking towards the light. I am not a sitting duck anymore. I was scared before. I am still scared, but I am not letting this fear to take control over me.
I need to take control over my life. That is why I am filing for divorce.
I cannot be stuck in this waiting mode, waiting for him to change his mind. He is not going to change his heart.
He is not.