One more month and this will mark a year since I have moved out to this apartment.
Things have not changed between us. He still doesn't know what love is. He still wants his freedom weekdays. He only wants weekend marriage from me.
As for me, this is not the marriage I want. This is not how I want to live. If I don't do anything, this weekend marriage will continue on for another 10 years.
So, I have filed for divorce. It should finalize in Sept. Then we will divide our assets, and go our separate ways finally.
I still ask myself the question: How did this happen? What have I done wrong? How can you un-love someone so easily?
I have decided not to see him anymore on the weekend because I feel like a drug addict. The weekends are the times when I get my fix. This is really not healthy for my mind and heart. This will only prolong the situation and pain. If he doesn't love me now, he will not love me in the future. This has been going on for 2 years. NOTHING has changed.
I have to rid myself of this habit, of this drug. I need to start living my life, not waiting anymore.
I am not going to have false hopes anymore. I need to love myself the most, and think about myself.
I need to be good to myself. What is happiness? I haven't felt happy for a very long time.
I am still stuck in this tunnel. But at least I know that I am walking towards the light. I am not a sitting duck anymore. I was scared before. I am still scared, but I am not letting this fear to take control over me.
I need to take control over my life. That is why I am filing for divorce.
I cannot be stuck in this waiting mode, waiting for him to change his mind. He is not going to change his heart.
He is not.
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