07/25/2012

It feels like I am in a bad dream.

There is only guilt, sadness, and hopelessness.

This is worse than getting a divorce because I feel so powerless. I am completely at the mercy of the hands of nature. I cannot do anything to fix this.

How does one face death? How does one live knowing that you only have 5 years to live? It takes courage.

How do I cope with this?

07/24/2012

I am thinking about my dad a lot these days. He has a shadow in his lung x-ray, and he has been coughing for a long time.

I have been calling my mom and dad very day since I have heard about this news. My mom's voice told me that she has been crying. My dad sounds sad.

I prayed to God that this lung mass is harmless. That they will live their lives happily ever after. They have worked so hard all their lives just to make our lives easier. We had good education and down payments for our houses. They have loved us very much, though they don't show affection very often to us. But they loved us in their own ways.

They have not even started their retirement lives yet. They still have to enjoy their lives, see their grandchildren grown up. They really haven't enjoyed lives just yet.

Please God, listen to my prayer and let this be harmless. They are very good people, and generous. Please let them live out their retirement healthly and joyfully.

I have been feeling guilty also. I have not treated them very warmly during their trip here. I was always moody and sad, and that made them sad. My mom loves my pie, and I didn't even bake anything for them this time. I was not a good daughter. I did't even know he was coughing.

Only if I could, I should.

I have been remembering how my dad always showered me with gifts from each of his business trip. He would always buy me handkerchiefs. I remembered the little red mirror he bought me from Japan, and the blowfish chime. This is how he showed his affection to me.

Dear God, please let this be harmless and let my dad live.

07/17/2012

He called me on the weekends. We talked for quite a long time. He said that maybe we should start dating and get to know each other from fresh. So I agreed to go on a lunch date with him on Sunday.

After that my mind raced. My peace is threatened to be shattered. Why? Because he doesn't show any serious commitment to me.

He just wants to hang out together on the weekend, while still living apart. This is exactly the weekend marriage arrangement that we had before and this is not what I wanted.

So I told him last night that this is not going to work for me. I want a husband from him, not a boyfriend. He needs to show 200% commitment to me before I can consider going back. Because we had a heartbreak history with him. It is risky for me to go back, so I need some insurance.

If I want to hang out with a guy just for fun, I can simply find a man that I have no history with. That is safer for me emotionally.

I have worked so hard to get to my state today. I have not cried, or thought about him every single minute of my life. I feel much freer. For me to give that up and go back, he has to offer way more than this weekend companion arrangement.

I hope that I am doing the right thing.

07/11/2012

Today marks the one year anniversary since I moved into my apt.

Wow, time really flew. Who would have thought that it will come to this state?

How have I survived? It is unbelievable. I survived with the support from my family, my friend, and my therapist. I survived with the invisible helping hand from God.

I think God had walked with me along on this journey. Otherwise, I would have already committed suicide. Many times I wanted to die to end this misery. It was so painful.

With time, the pain has subsided a bit. I am starting to take small steps forward. Left, right, left, right....

I still have those moments when I just break down and cry. But I am still here. Time really does dilute my pain. I pray a lot more these days. I tell God everything. I even pray for him sometimes.

I know this tunnel is dark and long. I also know that there is an end to this tunnel, and I am walking to the end.

07/08/2012

Today I received a small purple flower from a homeless man while exiting out from Trader Joe's near my apartment.

He said to me, "for you, my beautiful angel". I was very moved. I think in this case, he is the beautiful angel sent by God.

You probably don't understand why this is so significant to me because you don't know the context.

Here is the context of my story...

I always hated my boy-like-chest. I feel like a fraud as a woman. When I look into the mirror, I see a boy. I was teased by strangers, classmates, my brother, and my husband.

Yesterday during the therapy session, this issue was brought up along with the option of breast implant. It had never crossed my mind to alter my body. This was never an option to me. It sounds stupid and superficial. Beauty is within.

But my therapist planted a seed in my mind. Consider this as an option if breast implant is going to re-frame my mind in how I view myself. If this will make me feel like a real whole woman, not a fraud anymore.

Then today God sent me this message...

07/04/2012

Today I finally moved all my baking tools from the house to my apartment.

This is another giant step forwards. Whenever I take one step forwards, I look back and feel the pain. Looking only, not stepping back.

I am looking backwards a lot these days. I examined my childhood, my relationship with my parents, and my parents' marriage.

I want to understand why I am the way I am and why I am attracted to certain type of men.

07/01/2012

Today marked the first day I baked something in my apartment.

I baked cinnamon rolls from scratch, one of my favorites. Cinnamon rolls have a special history to me. He likes cinnamon rolls and this is the very first recipe that propels me to learn how to make bread from scratch.

Today's is a success. The rolls came out perfectly. The only difference this time is that the rolls are given to my neighbors, instead of to my family. I really hope that my neighbors will enjoy them as much as my family did.

I love baking. It gives me an escape and a sense of accomplishment. And I got to share what I made with love with other people. Good foods make people happy.