12/14/2016

I am scared of being hurt again. I think that fear outweighs the pain. I want to be freed of this fear. I want to be able to trust my partner.

Letter #1

I am shocked and disappointed of what you have become. I am scared of what you have become. I curse you that one day you will love someone deeply, and that someone will betray you many times. I curse you many times the pain that I am going through now. No, I don't wish you dead. Death is too easy. I wish you years of pain and heartbreak.

11/11/2016

We married for the wrong reason. We married for no particular reason, just because my parents said it was time and convenient. I still remember, just because they were here to visit, and his aunt was also here. So let's get married, so that I could work. There was no wedding ceremony, no wedding dress, no proposal. Just a thrown together dinner. He didn't buy the ring. He didn't choose the furniture. The whole time, he just rode along in the passenger seat. I was in the driver seat. It was a mistake to begin with. Just two kids being thrown together.

11/10/2016

Today I filed the divorce. Officially we got a case number from the court. This will take 6 months to finalize. I am looking for an apartment next week. I try not to talk to or look at him. I just cannot look at him. I am building a wall around myself, to protect my heart and head. To detach, it makes it possible to go through this.

I cut my hair today. It was a ceremony, to cut off those ends. It was therapeutic, symbolic. I feel a little lighter. I cried during the haircut ceremony. The hair stylist was really nice. She understood the pain as she went through it herself also. She will donate the hair for me. This is a small step to treat myself better. To start to take care of myself. This is a new beginning. I can kind of see it. Though it is still painful.

10/08/2016

We have started the filing process. We have both agreed to divorce. There is just no other solution. He kept saying that the only solution is for me to ignore it. I know I cannot do that. Every time he cheated it hurts so much that I just want to die. Though it is tempting, just pretend everything is back to normal. But I cannot do that to myself. I need to live truthfully and be good to myself. I cannot believe I am going through this 5 years later again. I still remember the first time I moved out to my apartment. It was a morning before going to work. I had with me my belongs in a trash bag. I took them to my car and drove to the apartment. I was very sad. I cannot believe that I have to do this all over again. But this time will be final. It will not repeat itself.

09/30/2016

Last night we discussed all our assets, how we wanted to divide them. I was very calm, without anger. This time around, it is driven by acceptance, not by anger. It is driven by my need to be healthy and happy, not of anyone else. I cried a lot. My tears are like waves, they ebb and flow. Sometimes they are big, sometimes they are small. But no matter, they are draining me. I feel tired all the time. I feel like a zombie. I don't feel like eating, but I have to when I am famish. I kept thinking my childhood, how that had shaped the way I am today. And how I picked my mate 20 years ago. I don't think I have ever loved myself or accepted myself. I was always teased the way I look by strangers, classmates, and siblings. When I started dating J, I was still wearing jeans and t-shirt, just a tomboy. Then I changed to start wearing more feminine things, and grew out my hair. I think my womanhood is shaped by him. His is my mirror of measuring my womanhood. He didn't complain about my body at the beginning. And that I thought here is the man who accepted my body. Maybe that's why I hooked on to him. Finally a man who didn't complain about my body. My mom taught us not to waste money on ourselves growing up. I don't buy anything for my own pleasure. I remember I spent my first paycheck to buy him a jacket, an Eddie Bauer jacket. I bought him a backpack. I paid off his student loan. From that time on, I just spent on him. Anything that I bought has a justifying reason that it pleases him or us. Even our travelling, it is for our pleasure, me and him. Even now, I had a hard time spending money for my own pleasure. It is like I have been living to make him happy for the last 23 years. That is a long time. It is going to be hard to change that habit. I need to learn to take care of myself. I need to learn that it is ok to make myself happy. It is ok to buy little things to make myself happy. I don't need to justify every spending. It is ok to be happy; it is not a selfish thing. Serving myself is not a selfish thing. I need to accept myself and stop looking for other people for my reflections. I am a worthy human being.

09/27/2016

Today I have decided to break away from him. I don't want him to be happiness trigger any longer. I don't want his actions or inactions to affect my happiness anymore. I want to be responsible for my own happiness. I want to be free mentally. I want to be truthful to myself. I want to respect myself. I want to live for myself instead of living for him. I want to please myself instead of pleasing him. I know this is going to be hard, but this is what I needed in order for me to be healthy, in order for me to have a chance to be happy. I don't want to live out my life like this, as a prisoner anymore. I want to be free.

08/07/2016

Day one without him.... it is very hard.

07/27/2016

I want a divorce. I want out.

07/22/2016

The therapist said she had great hope for us. I hope so.

07/14/2016

He said “if it happens again, we will go through this again” WTF!!! He said it is not the end of the world. Doesn’t he understand that it was the end of the world for me? What do I need to do in order for him to understand the immense pain that I went through? That I wanted to hurt myself, that I didn’t want to live. How could he think that this is like a flu? That I can go through that again? WTF? I cannot go through this again, doesn't he get it? Do I need to cut out my heart for him to see how much it bled, that how many scars it had? Why can't he understand my pain? Why?

05/10/2016

This actually went back all the way to May 2015, one year ago. I cut up everything that we bought from France. The 2 oil paintings from Paris, the 2 canvas. The birthday cards. It is like ripping into my heart. I don't want to wake up.

05/03/2016

Maybe I should be the one who had gotten the cancer instead of my dad. Then I should have died instead of my dad. He is much loved and valuable in this life than me. He had a loving wife, children, and grandchildren who loved him. And I...

04/29/2016

Did it just happen again? Yes, 6 years later, one big lie shattered everything again. He went on his business trip with a girl. He is so shameless, he feels he did nothing wrong. He is a bastard. My mind is so feel with rage and hate. I have nothing but hate for him. I want to break and burn everything. I wish one of us was not born into the world. I wish that I have never met him. I need to release my anger. I want to burn all the pictures, everything that he touched. I hate him. I want this end. I want this end. I want this end. I want this end. I want this end. I want this end. I don't want to live my life like this, living in such a big lie. I am not being true to myself. I could still hear my dad saying "such husband is useless". I am sorry dad, I failed. Hate, rage, hate, rage. How am I going to get out of this mess? Why do I have to go through this again? I want him to rot. I want to yell "get the fuck out of my sight". I want to beat the crap out of him. He has a twisted view of what he is doing. WTF is wrong with the fucking him? Piece of shit. I want to hurt myself. I want to down a whole bottle of something and not wake up ever again. This is a nightmare. I feel so sick.

04/22/2016

Uncle 4 is in the hospital. He might not make it. People are just dropping off like flies. One day we are here, the next day we are not. It is scary and sad. I talked to mom and she is sad. This reminds us of dad's passing. Like a film playing before our eyes again. I am afraid of my loved ones leaving me. That is why I have to let them know how much they are loved each day, before it is too late.

His burden

My love is his burden.

03/16/2016

How do I rebuild trust? I tripped on every tiny light. I am having this episode every month. Suspicious, imaging things. I hate this of me. I am destroying it every time I have this episode. I hate myself doing that. I have never hated myself before. This is the first time I really hate myself.

03/15/2016

I want my heart to stop beating. I hope I don't wake up in the morning. How long do I have to live like this? If I could talk to my young self, would I tell her not to make the mistake? Maybe.

03/01/2016

Make it or break it. That is what we have decided. If we cannot make it work, we will break it. How many cuts we will have to endure before we give it all up? I want to disappear.

02/18/2016

Grief is like waves; it has ebb and flow. This is how I am feeling now. All of a sudden it just hits you.

02/16/2016

I read this from rd on secrets of long lasting marriage. Divorce is not an option - not to be thought about, said aloud, considered as an answer to a problem. Almost all problems are short-term. Divorce is a long-term answer.

02/14/2016

When it rains, it pours. This is how I describe my tears. I have so many sad memory to make my tears flood. The sun on my skin feels so good afterwards.
Will we be able to make this work? We want to make this work. Will we able to get over this hill? We hope so.
I feel that we have grown since the last battle. This I am very glad about. I think he has grown and matured since the last time. I am very proud of him for that. He has become a better man since.

02/11/2016

We are all sad that dad is not here with us.
I have been thinking if what love is permanent. Is the love between a child and his parents permanent? Or is it just easier because it is given that they have this bond. But the love between partners need constant caring and maintenance.

2/6/2016

It is Chinese new year. I miss my dad and my mom. I think about the food that my dad would have enjoyed. I think about my mom being by herself. I haven't even thought of Valentine's day yet.

1/16/2016

I miss my dad.
I just remember that before he got too sick, whenever I called him, the first question he asked me was "did you buy a bed yet?", "still not?"
His voice is fresh and raw in my head and that makes me sad.

1/12/2016

I have a nagging feeling that something is not right. Am I just paranoid? He is always working late, especially Tuesday night.