09/30/2016

Last night we discussed all our assets, how we wanted to divide them. I was very calm, without anger. This time around, it is driven by acceptance, not by anger. It is driven by my need to be healthy and happy, not of anyone else. I cried a lot. My tears are like waves, they ebb and flow. Sometimes they are big, sometimes they are small. But no matter, they are draining me. I feel tired all the time. I feel like a zombie. I don't feel like eating, but I have to when I am famish. I kept thinking my childhood, how that had shaped the way I am today. And how I picked my mate 20 years ago. I don't think I have ever loved myself or accepted myself. I was always teased the way I look by strangers, classmates, and siblings. When I started dating J, I was still wearing jeans and t-shirt, just a tomboy. Then I changed to start wearing more feminine things, and grew out my hair. I think my womanhood is shaped by him. His is my mirror of measuring my womanhood. He didn't complain about my body at the beginning. And that I thought here is the man who accepted my body. Maybe that's why I hooked on to him. Finally a man who didn't complain about my body. My mom taught us not to waste money on ourselves growing up. I don't buy anything for my own pleasure. I remember I spent my first paycheck to buy him a jacket, an Eddie Bauer jacket. I bought him a backpack. I paid off his student loan. From that time on, I just spent on him. Anything that I bought has a justifying reason that it pleases him or us. Even our travelling, it is for our pleasure, me and him. Even now, I had a hard time spending money for my own pleasure. It is like I have been living to make him happy for the last 23 years. That is a long time. It is going to be hard to change that habit. I need to learn to take care of myself. I need to learn that it is ok to make myself happy. It is ok to buy little things to make myself happy. I don't need to justify every spending. It is ok to be happy; it is not a selfish thing. Serving myself is not a selfish thing. I need to accept myself and stop looking for other people for my reflections. I am a worthy human being.