12/19/2011

Is God listening to my prayers?

I still don't know what and why I do the things I do.

12/18/2011

Today I began my plead to God.

I am not a religious person. I don't believe in anything. But I just couldn't get myself out of this hole. I constantly have thoughts to harm myself. My dear friend suggested to me to plead to higher power. This is the only way out.

I want to give it a try.

I borrowed a few books from the library. Books on forgiving, divorce, God, and making bread. I need to nourish my soul first before we can go forward to resolution, whatever that might be.

I prayed very hard. I hope that God is listening. I prayed that we will be released from this pain, that we will have peace and calm. I prayed that God will lead us to the right way, and help us to get through it. I prayed.

12/13/2011

It has been one year since 12/2/2010. That night the truth came out. Since then, nothing has changed really. I have been living by myself for 5 months now. I tried not going back home on the weekends, but, couldn't survive.

Decisions are so hard to make, that we both avoid making any. Not going forward. Stagnant. I don't like December.

10/11/2011

I want to disappear into another place, start a new job, a new life, a new me. I dream about out reunion every night, every night, every night. Why can't I move on? It seems that he has no problem of moving on. Why can't I do the same? I want to erase my memory. Why can't I accept reality and move on?

9/22/2011

More than 2 months have passed since I have moved into this apartment. It is hard at times when I realized that I am really alone, by myself. Coming "home" at night from work, no one is waiting for me, no one is expecting me. No one to talk to. I am alone.

I found myself working more at night nowadays because there is not much to do. Sometimes when it is that time of the month and my emotions went wild, I cried a bit.

I am my own worst enemy. It is a war between the sad me, and the happy me. I have to let the happy me win. I have to fight the sad me. Let it go. I have to move on and create my new life.

I have to start living instead of waiting.

8/8/2011

I am feeling very lonely. I miss him. I keep thinking about our time together in the past.

8/7/2011

Are these weekends when I see him toxic to my system? I feel like being sucked back into the mess.

8/3/2011

This loneliness feeling is getting stronger. I miss him. Did I make the right choice by moving out? I am having doubts now. Because I miss him.

8/2/2011

Loneliness is creeping up onto me today. Coming "home" to an empty apartment at night is sad. Sometimes I want someone to talk to.

8/1/2011

It has been a while since I posted anything, that is because I have been doing fine on my own. Though every weekend I still go back to "home" where I still see him. Seeing him on the weekend tugs at my heart.

I find myself appreciating little things from him. He remembered to bring me face lotion, tea, and French DVD's, and I only needed to mention it once to him.

Tender hearts...

7/14/2011

Forth day and counting... I am actually doing fine, which I really cannot believe. I thought that I would be miserable by myself. Today I got a call from the French bakery owner. He told me that he really liked my letter and attitude and one of his assistant is leaving. He wanted to chat with me in person about my proposal being his apprentice. At the same time, my director at work is considering offering me my job back.

I feel very lucky. It seems that life is working my way. Whatever that I have wished for is slowly coming true. This is amazing. One door has closed on me, but many others are opening up.

Life is bright.

7/13/2011

Today is the third day since I have moved out. I was so busy with finding a job that I didn't think much about this situation anymore.

So when you stop mourning for a broken heart, and start to move on with your life, does it signify that the end of the relationship is closed to being finalized?

7/12/2011

Today is the second day since I have moved out. I slept well in my new bed last night. The apartment is peaceful and cool at night. There is a big tree with big canopy right outside leaning against my windows. I fancy that I am living in a tree house.

I took a new bus route to work today. I am beginning to settle into a new routine. No, he didn't ask how I was. I don't think he cares. I am starting to realize that this could be the end. This is what I asked for when I wanted to move out. I am eating the fruits of my labor.

I think relationships are like drugs; people in love are drug addicts. People with broken hearts, like me, need Loveholic Anonymous. We are going to experience symptoms of withdrawal in the beginning: continuous crying, sudden anger, sadness, fear, emptiness, loneliness, confusions, and loss of appetite. These are the many few I have had so far. Sometimes I fall off the wagon; I still need a little dose of him in order to get through.

Hopefully with time, he will be out of my system.

7/11/2011

Today is the first day I really move into the new apartment. I have brought with me just the basic essentials, not even a microwave. I brought my clothes, toiletries, laptop, frozen dinners, workout DVDs, and a yoga mat. As I unpacked my blanket from the trash bag, I found curly the bear. Then I broken down in tears. This was my last birthday gift from him.

Living alone in a new place is harder than I thought. I had done it during my high school years. Now I have to do it all over again, only this time I have a lot of baggage with me. Not physical baggage, but emotional ones. I have been married for 11 years to my first and only boyfriend. He was my temple; a place for happiness, comfort, warmth, stability, and a place to devout myself. During the last year, this temple begins to fall apart, it can no longer accommodate me. I have to step out. I am writing this journal to document my way away.

I used to believe in love between two people. I thought love is eternal. How naive. I am sounding bitter. I am disappointed. I don't believe in marriage anymore. Humans are not designed to love one person forever; they will get bored eventually. The institute of marriage is so outdated. On the other hand, I realized my bonds to my brothers, parents, immediate family, and friends are helping me through this. They will not forsake me.

I constantly question myself. Could I have saved this marriage? Is it all up to me? Is it? Can I un-change his heart? Can I change myself into someone he desires? What does he want? Am I being stupid and stubborn for moving out, giving it up? Sometimes I pray that I won't wake up in the morning; that my heart will stop beating. It just ends, like flipping the light switch off. It just ends.