Today is the first day I really move into the new apartment. I have brought with me just the basic essentials, not even a microwave. I brought my clothes, toiletries, laptop, frozen dinners, workout DVDs, and a yoga mat. As I unpacked my blanket from the trash bag, I found curly the bear. Then I broken down in tears. This was my last birthday gift from him.
Living alone in a new place is harder than I thought. I had done it during my high school years. Now I have to do it all over again, only this time I have a lot of baggage with me. Not physical baggage, but emotional ones. I have been married for 11 years to my first and only boyfriend. He was my temple; a place for happiness, comfort, warmth, stability, and a place to devout myself. During the last year, this temple begins to fall apart, it can no longer accommodate me. I have to step out. I am writing this journal to document my way away.
I used to believe in love between two people. I thought love is eternal. How naive. I am sounding bitter. I am disappointed. I don't believe in marriage anymore. Humans are not designed to love one person forever; they will get bored eventually. The institute of marriage is so outdated. On the other hand, I realized my bonds to my brothers, parents, immediate family, and friends are helping me through this. They will not forsake me.
I constantly question myself. Could I have saved this marriage? Is it all up to me? Is it? Can I un-change his heart? Can I change myself into someone he desires? What does he want? Am I being stupid and stubborn for moving out, giving it up? Sometimes I pray that I won't wake up in the morning; that my heart will stop beating. It just ends, like flipping the light switch off. It just ends.
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