Tuesday, March 24, 2020
Monday, March 23, 2020
03/23/2020
Today he showed me pictures of him. So now there is a name and a face.
I don't know how I feel.
Today I feel anger. Having a baby with someone is a special bond. And he has taken away that from me, he has that bond with someone else.
I feel anger, I feel that this thing is being dumped on me. My whole life is changed.
I don't know how I feel.
Today I feel anger. Having a baby with someone is a special bond. And he has taken away that from me, he has that bond with someone else.
I feel anger, I feel that this thing is being dumped on me. My whole life is changed.
Sunday, March 22, 2020
03/22/2020 - More
I cannot tell my mom, but it is at this moment that I need my mom. I need her to tell me that it is fated, that it will be ok. I want her to know, I need her blessing. But yet she cannot know.
03/22/2020
I feel irrelevant. I feel left out. He now has a bond with this new human being. And I am not part of this experience.
What do I want? What is my role? Who am I?
I feel that I have no choice. If I stay with him, then I have to accept and love this being. But he is not my baby.
So who I am? I have lost the sense of myself. I feel that I am in the passenger seat and being driven left and then right.
People keep telling me to stay. Who am I to stay?
What do I want? Do I still love my husband? I cannot feel my love to him at this moment. Is it because I am afraid and lost?
Be the selfless person and love his child. Am I able to do so?
I am the one-man out. Before this, we are both just married with no children. But now, we are married and he has a child. I still do not have children. So now I am all alone in this category of child-less. I feel irrelevant. Before this, we are married with common goals. Now, we are married but his goal is to raise this child, and be a father.
That was not my goal. So now what is my goal? I have no choice but to change my goal, to support this child. But he is not my child. Who am I?
What is my goal? Why am I here? What is my purpose?
What do I want? What is my role? Who am I?
I feel that I have no choice. If I stay with him, then I have to accept and love this being. But he is not my baby.
So who I am? I have lost the sense of myself. I feel that I am in the passenger seat and being driven left and then right.
People keep telling me to stay. Who am I to stay?
What do I want? Do I still love my husband? I cannot feel my love to him at this moment. Is it because I am afraid and lost?
Be the selfless person and love his child. Am I able to do so?
I am the one-man out. Before this, we are both just married with no children. But now, we are married and he has a child. I still do not have children. So now I am all alone in this category of child-less. I feel irrelevant. Before this, we are married with common goals. Now, we are married but his goal is to raise this child, and be a father.
That was not my goal. So now what is my goal? I have no choice but to change my goal, to support this child. But he is not my child. Who am I?
What is my goal? Why am I here? What is my purpose?
Saturday, March 21, 2020
03/21/2020
Today I my husband told me that he had a 2 year old son from his affair.
I felt the floor just opened up a hole underneath me, and swallowed me in.
This will be one of those painful moments that I will never forget. I have a jar of painful moments. His first affair, his second affair, his third affair, my dad dying, and now this. All of these painful moments are stored in this jar. Sometimes they creep out and make my heart ache. Sometimes I wish that I can just erase those moments because they are really painful.
How am I supposed to deal with this situation? This feels like a bad dream.
We have no children of our own by choice. And now he has a child with this woman. I feel like a third wheel. He can just leave me and go with his now complete family. What is stopping him? We have no children together.
I feel that I have lost to that woman. She now has the upper hand, she has won. I have lost.
My mom will be very disappointed in me. And my dad will be turning over in his coffin. I am such a failure, to be in such a failed marriage.
If I just take myself out, then all will be solved, will it? He will go to that woman, marry her, and raise a son. All problem solved.
No more third wheel.
We have just moved into this beautiful house. I thought our ending will finally be a happy one after his affairs. I thought we will grow old together, happily after. I was so wrong.
I am so stupid to think so.
I felt the floor just opened up a hole underneath me, and swallowed me in.
This will be one of those painful moments that I will never forget. I have a jar of painful moments. His first affair, his second affair, his third affair, my dad dying, and now this. All of these painful moments are stored in this jar. Sometimes they creep out and make my heart ache. Sometimes I wish that I can just erase those moments because they are really painful.
How am I supposed to deal with this situation? This feels like a bad dream.
We have no children of our own by choice. And now he has a child with this woman. I feel like a third wheel. He can just leave me and go with his now complete family. What is stopping him? We have no children together.
I feel that I have lost to that woman. She now has the upper hand, she has won. I have lost.
My mom will be very disappointed in me. And my dad will be turning over in his coffin. I am such a failure, to be in such a failed marriage.
If I just take myself out, then all will be solved, will it? He will go to that woman, marry her, and raise a son. All problem solved.
No more third wheel.
We have just moved into this beautiful house. I thought our ending will finally be a happy one after his affairs. I thought we will grow old together, happily after. I was so wrong.
I am so stupid to think so.
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