Letter #1

I am shocked and disappointed of what you have become. I am scared of what you have become. I curse you that one day you will love someone deeply, and that someone will betray you many times. I curse you many times the pain that I am going through now. No, I don't wish you dead. Death is too easy. I wish you years of pain and heartbreak.

11/11/2016

We married for the wrong reason. We married for no particular reason, just because my parents said it was time and convenient. I still remember, just because they were here to visit, and his aunt was also here. So let's get married, so that I could work. There was no wedding ceremony, no wedding dress, no proposal. Just a thrown together dinner. He didn't buy the ring. He didn't choose the furniture. The whole time, he just rode along in the passenger seat. I was in the driver seat. It was a mistake to begin with. Just two kids being thrown together.

11/10/2016

Today I filed the divorce. Officially we got a case number from the court. This will take 6 months to finalize. I am looking for an apartment next week. I try not to talk to or look at him. I just cannot look at him. I am building a wall around myself, to protect my heart and head. To detach, it makes it possible to go through this.

I cut my hair today. It was a ceremony, to cut off those ends. It was therapeutic, symbolic. I feel a little lighter. I cried during the haircut ceremony. The hair stylist was really nice. She understood the pain as she went through it herself also. She will donate the hair for me. This is a small step to treat myself better. To start to take care of myself. This is a new beginning. I can kind of see it. Though it is still painful.