12/01/2015

I miss my dad today.
I felt the emptiness he left. He is gone; only his ashes are left. That is very hard to realize.
It forces me to think about death; what it means to die. What happens when someone dies.
I thought about the funeral. I remember how my heart hurt when I first walked into the funeral home, seeing my dad's picture in the hall. It hit me right there that he was gone. That this was real. That he had died.
I remember seeing my dad's body behind the glass the first time. I cried right there, even now. He was so lonely behind the glass, lying there by himself. That he has died and will not wake and will not talk anymore.
I saw death. I remember the moment when his coffin was shut. I cried right there, even now. Because that was the last time I would ever see his face, that I would see him again. The very last moment. The next morning he would be cremated.
I think that when I feel the pain, I feel that I am not forgetting him. I feel that I am holding onto him through pain.
I don't ever want to forget my dad. I want to hold onto whatever that I could.
Right now I only know how to through pain.
My heart hurts.