7/14/2011

Forth day and counting... I am actually doing fine, which I really cannot believe. I thought that I would be miserable by myself. Today I got a call from the French bakery owner. He told me that he really liked my letter and attitude and one of his assistant is leaving. He wanted to chat with me in person about my proposal being his apprentice. At the same time, my director at work is considering offering me my job back.

I feel very lucky. It seems that life is working my way. Whatever that I have wished for is slowly coming true. This is amazing. One door has closed on me, but many others are opening up.

Life is bright.

7/13/2011

Today is the third day since I have moved out. I was so busy with finding a job that I didn't think much about this situation anymore.

So when you stop mourning for a broken heart, and start to move on with your life, does it signify that the end of the relationship is closed to being finalized?

7/12/2011

Today is the second day since I have moved out. I slept well in my new bed last night. The apartment is peaceful and cool at night. There is a big tree with big canopy right outside leaning against my windows. I fancy that I am living in a tree house.

I took a new bus route to work today. I am beginning to settle into a new routine. No, he didn't ask how I was. I don't think he cares. I am starting to realize that this could be the end. This is what I asked for when I wanted to move out. I am eating the fruits of my labor.

I think relationships are like drugs; people in love are drug addicts. People with broken hearts, like me, need Loveholic Anonymous. We are going to experience symptoms of withdrawal in the beginning: continuous crying, sudden anger, sadness, fear, emptiness, loneliness, confusions, and loss of appetite. These are the many few I have had so far. Sometimes I fall off the wagon; I still need a little dose of him in order to get through.

Hopefully with time, he will be out of my system.

7/11/2011

Today is the first day I really move into the new apartment. I have brought with me just the basic essentials, not even a microwave. I brought my clothes, toiletries, laptop, frozen dinners, workout DVDs, and a yoga mat. As I unpacked my blanket from the trash bag, I found curly the bear. Then I broken down in tears. This was my last birthday gift from him.

Living alone in a new place is harder than I thought. I had done it during my high school years. Now I have to do it all over again, only this time I have a lot of baggage with me. Not physical baggage, but emotional ones. I have been married for 11 years to my first and only boyfriend. He was my temple; a place for happiness, comfort, warmth, stability, and a place to devout myself. During the last year, this temple begins to fall apart, it can no longer accommodate me. I have to step out. I am writing this journal to document my way away.

I used to believe in love between two people. I thought love is eternal. How naive. I am sounding bitter. I am disappointed. I don't believe in marriage anymore. Humans are not designed to love one person forever; they will get bored eventually. The institute of marriage is so outdated. On the other hand, I realized my bonds to my brothers, parents, immediate family, and friends are helping me through this. They will not forsake me.

I constantly question myself. Could I have saved this marriage? Is it all up to me? Is it? Can I un-change his heart? Can I change myself into someone he desires? What does he want? Am I being stupid and stubborn for moving out, giving it up? Sometimes I pray that I won't wake up in the morning; that my heart will stop beating. It just ends, like flipping the light switch off. It just ends.