04/13/2017

It is tough, when I don't feel loved.

04/09/2017

He enjoyed living by himself. So why do we go to marriage counseling? What is the point? We did some re-connecting exercises during the counseling sessions, then we went back to our separate homes. So what is the point? I am confused. If he wants to be on his own, then why bother to go to marriage counseling? Is it to convince himself that he wants to stay married? If one wants to stay married, why does one need convincing? I am really confused of what is going on here. It is like he has one foot on one path, and the other foot on the other path. I don't understand what is going on.

04/05/2017

Today we went to a marriage counselor. This marriage counselor is different from the ones that we had seen. The method is very different. He made us face each other and talk to each other in a very different way. I left feeling more hopeful and less heavy.

04/01/2017

The hummingbird babies are gone. I guess they flew away. We saw the mom a few times this morning. She was taking some lining out of the nest. I don't know why. I am sad that they are gone. We just bought a new selfie stick wishing to take more pictures of the babies. But now they are gone.

Why does everybody leave me?

03/30/2017

Today is day 4. I think I am ending up like mom, all alone, with no one in the world to share my joy, my day, and my night. I am all alone. I guess that is the way it is going anyway. We all die alone in the end. No one can accompany us. I don't think I was ever loved by him.

03/29/2017

Today is day 3. The prospect of him coming back is getting slim in my mind. I have been meditating every day. I am still very sad. It hurts.

03/28/2017

Today is day 2 being on my own. I am still very sad. I feel very heavy, feel no joy, no purpose in life. I feel empty inside. I feel spaced out. My heart feels heavy.

03/27/2017

Today he moved out from the condo. I am very sad. This is the second time of our separation. It was painful the first time. I cannot believe we have to go through this again. He is looking for a marriage counselor. This is all up to him now. This place is empty without him. I am very sad.

Over the weekend, we bought a selfie stick and took some videos of the hummingbird babies. Yes, we saw the 2 babies. I think they are at least 13 days old. They will leave the nest 18-28 days after hatching. So they will leave in about 1-2 weeks. We are really lucky to have this hummingbird nest in our backyard.

03/18/2017

I took down all the pictures from the wall. What is the point of having them still hanging on the wall? The forms are ready to be sent. I have to send them. And that will be it. Everyone else is planning for the future while I am stuck at the present with no future, and trying to deconstruct the past. This is hell.

On the other hand, the hummingbird mom is still sitting on her nest. This is day 20.

03/13/2017

Yesterday when we checked the nest, the hummingbird mom was still there sitting on the nest. That was day 14. I don't hear or see any babies. I hope that her eggs are OK.

03/05/2017

This is Day 7 of the hummingbird mom sitting in her nest. So, 7 more days to go until the eggs hatch. I have filled up the hummingbird feeder nearby. I hope all goes well.

02/26/2017

Yesterday we went to the notary together to sign the second step of the paper. It was a very sad day. I was tired all the time. I just want to sleep.
On the upside of things, the hummingbird mommy in our backyard started Day 1 of sitting in her nest. I don't know if she has laid her eggs yet. I replenished the sugar water in our feeder. I hope that all goes well for this hummingbird family even when mine is in the process of breaking up.
Assuming that the hummingbird has already laid her eggs, incubation lasts about 14-16 days. So between 12/03 and 14/03, the eggs will hatch. The chicks will stay in the nest for almost 3 weeks. So around 02/04 to 04/04, the chicks leave the nest.

01/04/2017

I cried so much every day. The tears are back. I can get through this. I can get through this. This will pass. It will. I hope my future self can tell me that this will pass. I cannot stand this anymore. I don't want to live another day. I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I wish to be run over by a car. I wish this pain will disappear. I don't want to live.

01/02/2017

This is an awful start of the new year. We are getting a divorce. Going through it. Nothing is going to change that. Nothing will change that. I wish I don't wake up in the morning. I am back in the tunnel where there is no light.